The Yin and Yang of Growing Up

Josi, always the neat nick, has developed sloppy habits over the past months. Her personal space is untidy. Most would see it as neat, but I have noticed a change.

She finds sharing space with her sister less than desirable. Dirty clothes, that once made it immediately into the hamper, lie in a heap. The desk and chair she had to have sit unused, piled with books, papers and other objects not put away. She does her homework in the kitchen.

At her request we put a mirror up on the inside of her closet door (now Holden wants one as well). She checks her appearance before going out of the house. That tells me a lot.

She’s growing up and as she does her interests expand—an iPod, CD’s, books, her collection of containers, scrapbooks, pictures of friends, and trophies and ribbons fill her shelves. I have given into her clutter as long as she keeps her mess to her areas of the room she shares with Aubry. The small space is hers, encroached on by her sister. She is carefully, strategically asserting new independence as she rallies for a room of her own. Space in our home does not allow for her own room yet, perhaps when Holden goes off to college.

And while this all goes on, my previously messy daughter Aubry has evolved into an extremely orderly child, folding her clothes with military preciseness. Organizing her books by subject and preference. Interesting…

Oh, Those Eyes

I’m a sucker for brown eyes.

Greyson’s are dark. So much so that seeing his pupils is near impossible. His rich espresso-hued eyes absorb me. They reflect his Mayan heritage and his passionate soul.

Because I can’t see any changes in his eyes I can’t read the subtle signs that I can pick up in my other kids’ eyes (also brown, but different shades). I rely on what Greyson does when I question him on something—an emotional outburst (busted), intense staring at me (guilt), or avoidance in the form of watching something like a bug on the wall, suddenly far more important than what I am talking or asking about (less than truthful). I’ve “learned” my son like any other parent learns their child, by watching carefully.

Because Greyson was harder to initially read, I came up with some interesting challenges. For example, discerning whether he was telling the truth about hand washing. What little boy wants to wash his hands? Doing so takes time away from other things Greyson could be doing, such as throwing trucks down the stairs. Frustrated after repeatedly finding out that he was, ahem…lying…about washing his hands, I asked him to lick them. That resulted in an outburst (busted) and a mad rush to the bathroom to do the deed. After several times, he turned it around.

Now when I ask about hand washing he says, “I did Mommy! Look!” and licks his palms.  

Some other time I’ll tell you about the tooth brushing.

Keeping the Family Foundation Strong: Parent Vacations

Parents need a break—time away from their kids and the harried pace of life. Mark and I have always put our relationship first, believing that if we are “solid” our family has a good foundation. The two of us are guilty of weekly “dates,” weekends away, and occasional long vacations. Our kids recognize that our time by ourselves is healthy for us and them.

Recently, Mark and I were able to get away; I mean, really go… for six days! No kids, no schedules, no work. Nada!

The kids were excited. They were going to be cared for by a new sitter and, after introducing her to the crew at dinner one night, they (and we) felt she was very capable. Four kids is a lot to manage and, although I tend to lose site of this fact because we’ve grown one child at a time, I am very particular about who stays with my kids for an extended length of time.

We had a wonderful time and our kids did too. Time away lets everyone regroup, reconnect and appreciate that what we all have is special.

Trafficking

Outside of China thousands of families have been created or expanded through adoption of Chinese infants. But apparently within China there have been and continue to be instances where families have been ripped apart by child traffickers. As more details come forth (some don’t add up), the truths will rise to the surface. China is not unique in trafficking; other countries have had infant and child trafficking as well.

It is difficult not to feel deeply for any parent that could be unwittingly enmeshed within this fiasco. The ramifications could prove heartbreaking for adoptive parents and their children.

And while all of this is being sorted out, what of the discussions with the child who has been adopted, from China, possibly the provinces in question? Adoptive parents are already faced with helping their children work through issues of loss and identity and now they may also find themselves helping their child make sense of something that never should have happened and to resolve the unanswerable question, “Was I one of those babies?”

“I Want…”

It was no surprise when Holden shared, with all of us, his plans for his future family one evening (hopefully somewhere in the distant future—say ten or more years), “I want to adopt.”

Out of the mouth of my babe, Holden. (Yes, he is almost seventeen, but my babies will always be my babies no matter how old they are…) He is an example of how adoption transforms the very lives it touches. Adoption impacts families forever, by affecting every member. Within our family adoption is and has been a wonderful way to become a family.

My hope is that all touched by adoption are moved as we have been and continue to be.

Mark and I are proud that Holden understands that family is more than blood and generativity. We feel he appreciates the sacred bonds of family—love, respect, healthy dependence and interdependence, cooperation, consideration, empathy, and compassion. In a family everyone has equal membership, regardless of how they joined—through marriage, birth or adoption.

We do expect that he will find someone to share his dream with him, however right now he should concentrate on getting into college.

Not Abandoned, but Left—To Be Found

Growing up, “A” was for attitude. And as I grew older, into the edgy years of puberty, “A” became “AA”—for attitude adjustment. My father liked to say, “You need an attitude adjustment.” Frequently spot-on, his comment was met with a snarl and affirming nod from reluctant me.

As I raise my own kids, the “A” word carries a different meaning. “A” stands for abandoned—an emotionally-loaded, negatively-charged word currently tied to adoption.

Abandoned means being forsaken, deserted without any moral or emotional attachment. Discarded.

Upon hearing the word “abandoned,” often attached to their adoption story, the adopted child’s perception is they weren’t wanted, not loved, undeserving of being with their birth parent(s). What wonderful baggage to have hanging over and in the head of an adoptee as they work through issues of loss and identity. Talk about stacking the deck against someone…

It’s no wonder that adoptees struggle with self-esteem and control. By believing they were abandoned, adoptees still see themselves as of little worth. They begin their life story with an enormous deficit.

I recently listened to Aubry as she inserted “abandoned” within a conversation we were having about her adoption. Her voice grew shrill, horrified.  I struggled to keep any emotion from my face as I heard the pain in her voice and saw it in her expression. I went on to explain that she wasn’t abandoned—but that she was left, most likely by her deeply loving birth mother who was faced with an insurmountable situation, to be found.

My perspective contradicts the majority of the adoption community. But truly, I believe this is so because many birth parents have the other options available and one of those is not to bring a child into this world. The birth parents chose life for my daughters and son.

Adoption experts tell adoptive parents not to shy away from the word “abandoned,” but to use it in order to normalize it and empower their children—as they will be questioned about their adoptee status and past by others. I disagree. “Abandoned” is a minefield.  “Abandoned” rarely is the true or entire story. I don’t use it. I don’t want my kids using it or others using it around them—they assume too much and they often assume wrong. This discussion will continue and so will the education of my kids and of others.

Have You Seen “Her”?

Out of the blue, sometime after we were well into eating our dinners, Aubry asked Josi, “Do you have a picture of your birth mother?”

The question was directed in a stealth manner—eyes downward, head averted, but loud enough to be heard over the noise of other restaurant patrons.

Josi, equally stealth (because she’d rather not have been asked), replied with a scrunched-up nose, “No.”

Mark and I passed a quick glance back and forth. It wasn’t the time to tackle the question. No more discussion on the matter came forth and we finished celebrating Josi’s birthday.

However, I knew it continued to be on Aubry’s mind, and had been for a very long time. The question, although framed differently, had come up before. I would hear it again soon.

As Aubry sidled up to me to later that evening I took the opportunity to bring “her” up, “Honey, you know you always have a picture of your birth mother with you.”

“I do? You have one?” She was excited.

“Yes. She is in your face, your features. She is beautiful and graceful. Every time you look into the mirror, you see her. She is always with you because she lives through you.”

Aubry responded with a soft thoughtful smile. Her mind was churning this over.

There will be more questions and that’s a good thing.

Daughters and Body Image

I’ve heard and seen the signs already—in both of my girls. Concern about how they look. They are spending more time in front of the mirror. They compare and contrast their eyes, hair, and other body parts with each other and with me. One daughter laments about her nose; it’s too wide. It’s gorgeous (a mother’s informed opinion). My other daughter worries about body fat. Where it hides, I’ve no idea.

Like other moms, I try to project confidence about my self-image. I intentionally set out not to pass down any issues I might have with body image.

As a woman and as a transracial adoptive mother I am responsible for building confidence and reinforcing positive self-image of another race. This includes reminding my girls that because they are Asian, they are they differ physically from me in many ways. I want them to have realistic expectations and be able to love themselves for who they are.

Haiti, Humanity and Adoption

The news is awful and continues to get worse as we watch our Caribbean neighbors suffer. We are able to watch some of it on TV and the internet, as the catastrophe deteriorates. And even with that, we know it is much worse. We don’t smell the overpowering stench of the decomposing dead or the waste and disease of life as time marches forward. We don’t hear the cries—strong at first, pleading for help and then weakening with emotional and physical pain and unbearable hunger and thirst, only to be silenced by hopelessness or death. We don’t see the bloated, bloody mangled bodies and body parts rife with maggots and flies. We don’t see the frightened haunted looks of the Haitians as they wander adrift, trying to deal with this calamity.

Americans are known for being generous, especially in times of crisis. So, it did not surprise me to hear again about the surge of inquiries about adopting children orphaned by the horrific destruction. The tsunami of 2005 brought forth a similar tide of inquiry.

But where was this interest in the children before Haiti was hit by the 7.0 magnitude earthquake? Where was the humanity?

Haiti has had an adoption program for years, but adoptions of Haitian children have been a fraction of other international adoptions. 301 children were adopted from Haiti in 2008; last year it was 330. These are very low numbers when you compare them to adoptions from China, Guatemala, Ethiopia, Russia, and South Korea. And here in America.

Estimates of orphaned children are between 100 and 150 million worldwide.

Between 100 million and 150 million children.

It’s a staggering number, isn’t it?

Millions of children without homes, love, and families.

As people surge forward with interest in adopting and people call for expedited approvals on pending adoptions, I hope they also think about the other children, here and across the world that also need families. Open their hearts and their minds.

For the Haitian people and for those of you waiting to hear about loved ones, relatives, family, or waiting to bring your Haitian child home: my prayers are with you.

Parenting Adopted Tweens and Teens

Our family is blended—biological and adopted; white, Asian, and Hispanic. Adoption is a family affair, involving and affecting every family member.

Adoption and its issues are life-long. That said, every adoptee and adoptive parent approaches these issues differently.

The adoptive parent needs to be cognizant of these truths as they raise their adopted child.

The most primal emotions can surface when important life events take place—birthdays, Mother’s Day, graduations, marriage, the birth of a child. Within the adoption community these events are known as triggers. I have come to know this through experience. Although we are simply “just a family” the fact that we adopted impacts us. Although we take it in stride, we realize that issues inherent in adoption need to be talked about; worked through.

Parenting Your Adopted Child is a six-week long e-mail class I developed because I saw the need for adoptive parents to have a vehicle to safely explore, reflect on and discuss the other layers of parenting the adopted tween and teen.

Please join me in class, starting on February 10^th. You can find out more and register here.